My agency is a fallacy born of the human condition.
Copyright © 2019 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved
Other stories and poems: Here.
Agency
Indie Sundays: N.F Mirza’s “Swinging Sanity.”
Preamble
Welcome to Thinking Moon’s new category, Indie Sundays. I have pledged to read more indie books this year. I would like to discover and promote indie creators. They who are the next big thing, waiting in the wings of art to be propelled into the spotlight, and who am I to deny them their break? So please enjoy this new, albeit sporadic category. Filled with authors, movie-makers, poets, artists, and just the general misc of cool people the world would be grey without.
N.F Mirza
Speaking of grey without, our inaugural Indie Sunday extraordinary brings such colour to my life. N. F Mirza is the blogger Stoner On A Rollercoaster, and I have been following her for around two years now. They blog about their journey through depression and anxiety which I sadly empathise with. They create beautiful works of art, and I have been a fan of their aptly touching prose and gentle craft since I discovered them. When I heard that they had a book of poetry in the pipeline I immediately pre-ordered it.
Today I will be reviewing their debut poetry collection “Swinging Sanity,” which I devoured this weekend, over cups of coffee. Here is that review in all its finery, and can I say, dear Mirza, it gave me life.
Swinging Sanity – Review
As far as debuts go, this is up there with the greats for me. I am a poetry fanatic, and very sensitive about its conjuncture. This wonderfully cathartic, yet tragic piece of work filled the gaps of my broken heart, as she waxed about pain, love, life, and the pursuit of elusive joy.
The work is divided into five parts, each a protective canopy over its subject matter. Beginning with “Screaming Numbness” we are treated to exquisitely painful lyrics about suffering and mental illness.
“I am numb, I miss pain, Oh Pain!” – Just Like A Drop Of Water
“Then I hold the little spear, like a plume in the hands of a poet.” – Celebrating The Curse
“That horrid vortex finally spat me out I am stunned to be alive.” – Anything But Sane
We press on into the pages of “Love & Loss” as she tells her tales from the world of love. As humans, we are never free from pain. We are allowed moments of beauty as a reprieve between the senseless chaos of the universe.
“My ebony hair free from confines, as you like it, now don’t rush, watch how the end unfolds.” – A Poem I Can’t Name
“I saw a glimpse of excruciating agony.” – “A Dying Heart
“And I saw your last breath, Ascend to the sky, flying away, with a piece of me.” – When You Slept
“Where Earth would cradle my soul, to the rhythm of screaming water.” – This Is How I Want To Sleep
When the flushes of pain and joy are over we are treated to poems about the “Day and Night“. Her suffering mind remembers these times so vividly, and her fascination of the night sky appeals to fellow insomniac in me.
“The sun tirelessly shone all day, Still failed, To Ease this murky dark abyss, That’s made my mind it’s home.” – A Long Wordless Day
“I Remember those tiny fireflies, chasing each other into the darkness.” “When time wouldn’t fly, and the clocks were noiseless.” – Those Enchanting Nights
“Squalling for mercy.” – Nightmare Again.
Life is a dazzling series of confusion and clarity. Mirza’s section, “C’est La Vie” has some hard truths about the world we try to live in. When I read these lines they ignite in me my own fears, wonders, and imagination.
“My smouldering blistering tears…were ignored and denied, now sear my skin, in the dead dark cave of my anonymity.” – Cave Of My Anonymity
“They didn’t tell me, This demonic ritual, will slowly morph me, Into another fierce royal blue dragon.” – Fierce Royal Blue Dragon
“My nails look dirty too, Like I dug my way, Out of a grave.” “But I look great, prettier, happier than I ever looked, just like the rest of the crowd.” – Carnival
The final section “Random Thoughts,” is just that, and we see the author grappling with the suffering of now, hopefully, one day leading to the freedom of tomorrow. Out of struggle, so will the time of quiet victory, and self-assurance be born. Where those of us with kindness, walk alongside those of difficult persuasions. She closes the collection strong leaving us both elated with hope, and sturdy with solidarity. Please buy this poetry collection, it is too exquisite to remain unread.
“And one day, we will wake up, From this grim nightmare…Embellished with grime…But Hearts, Clear as glass.” – One Day
“Fueling my soul, I wait for my turn, I don’t waste tears.” – Waiting For My Turn
“Or to be, Like Ocean, Deep and blue, Holding a chunk of universe, In its womb.” – Blue
“And I see you…High on ignorance.” – A Million Dead Stars
“I pull out the last scroll, And scribble few enduring syllables…” – Last Poem Of October
Copyright © 2019 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved
Reality’s Fault
Could I restart my heart?
Some awakenings are too painful to be true.
In dreams, we quarrel thick, and I wake to pounding pain.
An anger so powerful, I’m not sure it’s mine.
If it is, may I use it? Transformation through proclamation.
Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the rightest one of all?
None of us are.
Stop talking so I may speak.
Listen to me, I have earned that right.
It’s in my bones, my ratiocination.
You have sublimation, and I have the rath of God.
He is the God of truth and perspective.
Still not one of us is real.
Reality is as reality does. Performance through pain.
My weakness, is my fragility, is my nightmare.
Please do not make it worse by your facts.
There are too many for this world to be sincere.
Therefore thought is existence, and that is our adversary.
Not differing points of view.
In the end, we are a balance of passion and faults.
Copyright © 2018 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved
I am Invisible
I am invisible, they never learned to see me.
My form has been hidden beneath shallow waters,
Inside the grey and the blood, where the pain hides.
You child, have much to learn. Don’t tell me how I feel.
You’ve barely begun yourself, and you have not lived my war.
Fuck off.
When I went and laid my life story out before her,
She did what I paid her to do,
She told me my life story, and I wept when it was true.
I nearly wrote you a letter about all the good things you were.
Then I remembered you took comfort from someone else,
Who doesn’t know the full truth, of your actions.
You dug into my wounds and twisted them.
You, quick to anger and bitterness,
Once again never thought about my misery.
My regards to your own ego.
It serves you well.
—
Copyright © 2018 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved
Consecrate Fire
Bronze dead chattels,
Fading to grey, in the mist. The veil ascends.
Catch it before it clutches you.
They are waiting, patiently eager,
Vibrating into view, atrophied senses, madness-inducing.
Dimensional shrouds have their limits.
The whiskey slowly warms,
Burn the fire, oxygen combusts, creating florescent beings.
Gatherings create havens for the living.
The dead are beyond.
Do not let the Mephistopheles trick you of your elemental form.
Dybbuk will cede your soul.
Let the light burn, even if it is within you.
Copyright © 2018 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved
Previous poems and stories!
https://thinkingmoon.com/category/stories/
Cheers to love…
If you are not looking for relationship advice/ hate mushy stuff / and or terrible poetry, click away before you get hurt!
Ok, are we all here because we want to be and are interested? You have been forewarned.
You know the way sometimes you’re in a relationship, (whether that be with a partner or even just a friend), and you’re suspicious of it? Basically, your brain isn’t fully committed, and its judgment is clouded by your heart.
Your intuition will try to warn you. In a romantic relationship, you might ignore these because you don’t want to be alone. Maybe you’ll change your mind and have those babies in the future?
Not for me, it’s not fair on you, or the other person. I knew I couldn’t continue with one of my relationships because he wanted it all. Marriage, loads of kids, the works. What did I want? Independence, freedom to pursue my dreams, and a life without children of my own. I was terribly sad when I ended that relationship, and I felt awful for weeks. (Your first major breakup is always the worst). I did genuinely love this person at the time.
Except there can be happy endings. (Well they’re not endings because we’re only in our late 20s so, they’re more like midways). Anyways, now I have a wonderful partner who has the same outlook on children as I do and supports me pursuing my career. Also, my ex is now happily married. What more could you ask for?
I had another relationship where I didn’t feel valued or truly loved and trust me you need to get out of those. You deserve nothing but the best.
Basically, I want to show you how your intuition will manifest your subconsciousness in strange ways. Here are two of my poems. The first was written in 2009 when I wasn’t sure of my relationship. The second was written in 2018 when I have no doubts. The difference (apart from a little improvement stylistically) is the conscious differentiation between doubt and conviction.
__________________________________
2008
Feasibility
I’m not sure where it’s agreeable,
To make your life plan,
Don’t forget, you won’t regret,
If you have a score on a stand.
–
Won’t you look at us now,
Swinging around,
Cross that bridge, when we come down.
–
Tied to a plan, you didn’t lay out,
And you’ve lost all you’re crayons from the early hours.
–
Who knows when the rain clouds will be,
Over my chalk image,
There’s no escape, bright red tape,
Safer to be in my small village.
–
I can’t chase your plans,
My own are too shy,
I’d like to consider yours,
Before I die.
__________________________________
2018
Run Deep
It is sturdy, reliable, fresh,
Every inch of this flesh,
Feels worthy.
–
Finally, I’ve surrendered,
Wave a white flag,
Then green, then blue.
–
It is borne of earth,
Protects and nurtures,
Warm in its understanding.
–
The fire, the air, is caged,
Locked safely away,
Ready for the intimate.
–
My heart is full,
The smile, knees, noses,
Lilting music and rhythm.
–
Water is still and deep,
Ancient in its task,
We repeat the curves.
–
Remember the magnetism,
Distant and constant,
Ready again, the souls.
–
Copyright © 2018 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved
__________________________________
Thinking Moon 
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