Introducing My Anxiety – Part I

I am sitting outside my boyfriend’s house, willing myself to get out of the car. Meeting new people always made me nervous but today, it’s debilitating. I am furious with myself. “Just open the door, and go inside, you’re being completely stupid,” I say this out loud. The malice in my own voice causes me to cry. I battle with myself, between getting out of the car or asking for help. Thankfully, I opt for the latter. I ring my mother, and her gentle voice comes through, “hiya honey, everything ok?” The poor woman, I am talking so incoherently she cannot understand a word I’m saying. The sobs are so loud I know I must be scaring her, but I cannot convey myself coherently.

I jump as my boyfriend knocks on my passenger side window, “everything ok?” He mouths through the glass. The best I can manage is to unlock the car, because everything is certainly not ok. He gets in the car, “love what’s wrong, did something happen?” On the phone I hear my mother asking me to give him the phone. He accepts and his face goes from concern, to understanding. My mother is telling him what she suspects is wrong, and how to deal with it. He nods making affirming sounds, then eventually hangs up. He goes through the process of winding down my panic attack. Eventually, I feel able to leave the car, and enter the house.

My body is exhausted, and my mind is cloudy for days afterwards. This affects everything, especially my work. This panic attack was the beginning of a breakdown.

***

Hello friends, welcome to this safe space. Do elements of that story sound familiar to you? It happened to me just like that. One minute I was driving to my boyfriend’s house, the next I couldn’t get out of my car. While this appeared to be a spontaneous occurrence, it didn’t come out of nowhere. The event that triggered the panic attack was just a final straw. Some of you may think, “poor weak-minded girl,” and that’s what you’re taught to think. It’s not the truth though. Present me knows this, but the girl sitting in that car, would have agreed with you, through her sobs.

I have come to realise that at the time, my generalized anxiety disorder (which I had yet to be diagnosed with)[i], was exacerbated by a simple act: Suppression. I would suppressed anger, I would suppressed jealousy, I would suppressed sadness, because these were not productive emotions. If I felt anger, instead of stopping to process why I felt the anger, I would push it away. Anger is for people who are not forward thinking, there is no reason to be angry just because someone cut you up on the motorway.

So, these emotions felt neglected, because they are tangible entities. Just because you suppress your emotions doesn’t mean they disappear. You need to understand why you’re feeling them, before they will be sated. Believe me, I learned this the hard way. The very hard way.

I am writing this blog for fun, but it also helps me distinguish my thoughts by giving them life on paper. I have been a writer for as long as I can remember (and maybe I’ll put up some really old stuff for the laugh later), but at the moment this blog is therapeutic. I know it’s right to understand that I’m not perfect. I will make mistakes, and I’m not weak because of my generalized anxiety disorder. For me to really believe this though, I have to see it here. In black in white, in words learned from my life, in concepts gifted to me by insightful people.

When I finally accepted that I needed help, and went to a counselor, I experienced such an awakening. My 10 year struggle was finally recognised. She legitimised my experience, so I didn’t feel like a fraud. My depressive episodes were born of my anxiety, resulting in exhaustion of my body and mind. She seen right through my veil. She told me once that while describing some of the most painful moments in my life, I would look up and smile, because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.

If you are feeling any of this, or you are seeing a loved one struggling, there are infinite ways to get help. My GP put me on a course of anti-depressants, and my therapist gave me exercises. The goal was to be kinder to myself, and to be unafraid of being imperfect. Failure is the best teacher (I believe the great Jedi Master Yoda himself said this). I will write more about this topic in the future because it is necessary. Do not view yourself or loved ones who are suffering as weak, see them as being too strong, and in need of help. There are some resources below, and there are many resources in your life you might not even realise. Your friends and family may not know how to engage with you. They might see you struggling and not know what to do. No one is perfect, and we will not all have perfect reactions to mental illnesses.

I will also leave you with a before and after photo, of someone who woke up one morning and said, no more. She said, “please I need help”. She has now realised that this is not only ok, but it is necessary. There is one woman smiling, through pain, her smile is a mask. The other is smiling, because she is joyful and happy to be at work on a Wednesday morning. Maybe you can’t notice the difference, but I can.

Anxiety

http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/need-help-now/

https://www.samaritans.org/your-community/samaritans-ireland-scotland-and-wales/samaritans-ireland

[i] https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/generalized-anxiety-disorder#1

March 23, 2018 4

Philosophy Abú

Philosophy.

Academia has made me no stranger to philosophy, it taught me how to put fancy terms on concepts I’d mulled over all my life. Epistemology, jurisprudence, ontology, metaphysics, logic… and I’m putting myself to sleep. Honestly though philosophy has a prominent history for humanity, from Socrates to Buffy The Vampire Slayer (yes there are philosophical underpinnings to the greatest television show of all time, and I promise to discuss that another day). The wonderful thing is philosophy is not out of your grip because you didn’t have the means to attend university. It cannot be capitalized on, because now more than ever we can create and discuss our own unique perspective on philosophy. How you ask? Through the wonderful (yet terrifying), world of the internet.

Now if you are inclined to read a book that describes philosophy 101 without paying €100 for a textbook, or a philosophy course, I suggest you read the wonderful book ‘Sophie’s World’ by Jostein Gaarder.[i] Or better yet, if you have internet access, visit and #philosophy on Twitter.[ii] Or any social media outlet of your choice.

I happen to love philosophy very dearly. I realised recently that I’ve been philosophizing all my life. When I was young and couldn’t sleep I was either, 1. Reading under the bedcovers with a torch until I heard my parents coming and scrambled to appear asleep or, 2. Lying staring at the ceiling while listening to the same tapes (then CDs) ad nauseam. Thinking about whether or not the universe was sitting in something or was it all there was, ever expanding?

Now I know this sounds like physics or astronomy, but that’s the beauty of philosophy, it is the foundation of every discipline you learn at school. From mathematics to art, philosophy is there to inspire wonder and ideas.

Ok so let’s get to the point of this encomium today, which is how we all view the world. There are many different schools of thought, but one I particularly subscribe to is Subjectivist. This has a history in, “Cogito ergo sum,”[iii] mixed with the unnerving realization that your mind and your mind alone is all you will ever experience. So what am I driving at? That sometimes we are all so in our own head that we forget that everyone’s reality is different. I’m not saying that the world is different, but because we are dynamic creatures, my experience of something will future shape my vision of the universe versus the same experience on you. There is nothing wrong with this, we all need to have our own opinions or we become mindless drones.

However, (and this is a big however), while we have every right to defend our opinions, it is imperative, and I mean IMPERATIVE, that we allow ourselves to see things from the point of view of others. Now I hear you say, surely that’s not subjective if we can only see inside our own mind, and I’ll have to stop you there. If you’ve ever read a book then you’ve been in someone else’s shoes. What did that feel like? Were you sad when they were sad? If the author did their job well, you felt empathy for the character.

I think we are often so ready to rush to anger and defensiveness that we forget to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. If we all did the world, in general, would be a better place. What does this have to do with philosophy? It has everything to do with philosophy. Philosophy helps us to be less ignorant of the ways of others. It helps us feel what our fellow humans are feeling, so we can change our actions accordingly. It also helps us to think critically. Honestly I feel that is missing from our society today.

I mentioned earlier that the internet was a powerful tool and now anyone can be a philosopher. Well as always there is an antithetical side to this. People spew hatred, alternative facts, and uninformed vitriol like it’s their life blood. We can’t stop people from doing that. What we can stop is our support of them. Critical thinking will help us do that. When you read a tweet that makes you angry, just make sure that person hasn’t made up something or retweeted someone else who also doesn’t know how to fact check. Just before you go to war over something that’s not even real.

We must start from the basic principle that, “the only thing I know, is that I know nothing.”[iv] (Shout out to Plato for documenting his much loved teacher and friend Socrates). Human’s come with a lot of informational baggage. We have predetermined ideas regarding things before we even give something new a chance. It’s like when you’re afraid to try a certain food because you know for sure you won’t like it. Funny thing is it’s, that’s your accumulated experience mixed with your reptile brain who is telling you that. Maybe a little dramatic, but you hopefully are following what I’m saying.

I don’t claim to be an expert on philosophy, but just like anyone who’s questioned the nature of reality, I am a philosopher. We all are philosophers (congratulations! 😊). We all have the ability and responsibility to think about things critically, and not rush to judgement. This will make your daily life better. Before you get antsy and honk your horn at a driver who isn’t moving just quick enough for your liking, pause a moment. Actually more like 10 seconds, and give them a chance. Before you jump to judge someone for having a different opinion from you, let’s say on religion, remember that while a lot of harm may have been caused by religion, a lot of good has come from it as well. It gives people solace in a world that is often cruel and cold. Who’s to say that your daily routine of buying certain products, burning fossil fuels, and wasting precious water isn’t doing the planet more harm than religion might. Prayer isn’t bad for the environment, but war is.

Listen, I buy red meat. I drive a diesel car often 100kms a day if I need to get to and from my office. Sometimes I stay in the shower a little longer than I need to. Nobody is perfect, but we are all accountable. If we are more empathic to each other, then we will start a revolution of the mind. A smile can make all the difference in the world. As a very wise woman once said, “The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it, be brave.”[v]

Did you like this post? Sure have a look at my last one:

https://thinkingaheadblog.wordpress.com/2018/02/15/shadow-self/

Sources:

[i] Gaarder, J. (2010). Sophie’s world. Hachette UK.

[ii] https://twitter.com/search?q=%23philosophy&src=tyah

[iii] Descartes, René. (1641). Meditations on First Philosophy.

[iv]This happened in like the 5^th century BC, how am I supposed to cite that correctly?

[v]Buffy The Vampire Slayer. The WB & UPN. Season 5, Episode 22. Joss Whedon.

February 23, 2018 1

Mindfulness

For Mindfulness.

What you feed grows,

The exercise of running away or focusing on something else is a misguided approach,

You must be aware of your mind and body as one,

This will strengthen your neural pathways that deal with coping and stress,

You have feelings for a reason, they are your body and minds signals for something out of place,

Let’s think of our body and mind as one, to create synergy. Let’s call the combination of your mind and body your ‘spirit,’

You must experience emotions through your mind and your body. You will have both experiences simultaneously,

Start with your feet. What do they feel like? Are they hot or cold? Are they touching anything? Have far have they carried you today? Is there any moisture on them or are they dry?

Continue through the body taking each body part the same way, and thinking about how it feels and what you used it for today,

Now listen to your body, what are you feeling? When you have identified the feeling, where is it stemming from? What part of your body can you feel it in?

Why are you feeling it? What is causing this feeling, can you find solutions?

Are you trapped? Is there a way to resolve this feeling?

Remember, What you feed grows, so grow solutions through synergy.

Did you like this post? Sure have a look at my last one:

https://thinkingaheadblog.wordpress.com/2016/07/25/torture-is-haunting-humanity-like-a-persistent-spectre/

May 12, 2017 1