Indie Book Review: Nocturnal Blood – Villimey Mist

Preamble

I would like to make a disclaimer here that I was given a reviewers copy in order to review the book. My views are my own, if I like a book I say so, if I dislike it, I say so. All my opinions below are my own, they do not reflect anything the author has said.

Book Review

There are few YA books which address violence quite so elegantly as Villimey Mist’s ‘Nocturnal Blood.’ The protagonist Leia bursts onto the scene, not in traditional ass-kicking style, but violence of the all too ordinary kind. Bullying. Leia is dealing with some mental health issues that we’ve all heard of, but often fail to understand. Leia’s OCD ruled her life as a teenager, and her quirks caused her callous classmates to torment her.

This is violence that’s all too common to those of us that struggle with mental health issues. Yet OCD is a very common condition, characterised by certain irrational practices. It is debilitating enough on its own without your peers troubling you. So when Sophie Gardner attempts to befriend Leia, her years of pain cause initial distrust. When Leia realises that Sophie is actually serious she lets her guard down. Sadly life deals Leia another blow as Sophie’s mother and step-father move them to Canada. Leia slowly loses her only friend as letters slow, and then cease.

What follows is an exhilarating story which rarely takes a pitstop, always surprises and truly disturbs. When I say I read this book in one day, I couldn’t help myself. Sophie Gardner reminds me of Sophie Amundsen from Sophie’s world, grappling with moral philosophical issues, while simply being a human animal. She drags poor Leia along for the ride, and Leia soon discovers that there is a brave princess buried in her somewhere. Her name right soon becomes her authentic self as she breaks out of her shell in an attempt to save her only friend, Sophie, from the laws governing a parallel world. The world of vampires.

You don’t want to miss out on this book. You can see the influence that Joss Whedon’s Buffyverse has had on this generation of writers, as they deal with vampires as beings of duality rather than simply monsters. Vampires must feed to survive, but they have a code of conduct which must be followed and is reflected by the humanity we see in Kenji Yamasaki. The friendship between Leia and Sophie is harrowing while Leia comes to terms with what Sophie has become, and Sophie struggles to remember her humanity, which Leia represents to her.

This book leaves us wanting more which is excellent because a little birdie told me book two is on the way.

Other Reviews

Indie Sunday

Lee Hall’s ‘Darke Blood,” & ‘The Teleporter.’

Copyright © 2019 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved

Back to Hogwarts (+Tags)✨

Preamble

Thank you firstly to Megan from A Geeky Gal for the nomination. I adore Harry Potter and it’s the perfect time of year for a Potter-inspired tag! This tag originally came from Michelle from A Geek Girl’s Guide FYI.

I have been a fan of Potter since I was 12 when I read The Chamber of Secrets. The first book was already checked out in my school library, and I couldn’t wait to see what all the fuss was about so I took out book 2. I have been hooked since.

Questions:

You have to go shopping in Diagon Alley! What store do you go to first?

Oh, man straight to Eeylops Owl Emporium!!! I adore birds in general but there is something particularly human about owls with their forward-facing eyes. If I could have an owl I would be happy forever and ever!

You’re on the Hogwarts Express! What snack are you getting from the trolley?

I’m not really into sweets, however I would totally be into collecting the Chocolate Frog cards. I’d just give Ron my frog to eat!

It’s time for the welcome feast! Which table are you at?

I have been sorted into Ravenclaw officially, and that’s the house I most relate to. However, I have been known to relate to certain Hufflepuff traits, but I think it just means I would get on well with my Hufflepuff classmates.

Harry Potter Tag
Harry Potter Tag

You get an elective this year? What will it be?

When Hermione was running around in The Prisoner of Azkaban taking extra classes with her time turner, I always wanted to hear more about her class Study of Ancient Runes.

You’ve got a break between classes! What will you be doing?

Reading in the library, or doing homework. Yes, I’m a nerd, I am in no way ashamed of it.

Harry Potter Tag
Harry Potter Tag

You get to go to Hogsmeade this year! Where do you go to first?

I would go straight to The Three Broomsticks to try a Butterbeer. I would probably hate the taste of it because it sounds incredibly sweet, but still.

You’re meeting up with friends to hang out! Where in the castle are you going to chill?

In the Ravenclaw common room with my Ravenclaw homies! I might even see Megan from A Geeky Gal there!

Harry Potter Tag
Harry Potter Tag

The end of year exams are coming up. What test will you do best at?

Probably History of Magic, I’ve always loved herstory(sly feminist dig) in general and could you imagine the magical version!

My nominees

All my followers who are Harry Potter fans. Or if you’re not and have no idea what I’m talking about, why not do it anyway, it might be funny!

Thanks again Megan!!!

Copyright © 2019 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved

Halloween Tag – YouTube

Preamble

What up my spooky Moonlings! I filmed a video for my YouTube channel Thinking Moon where I answer questions from the Halloween Tag.

I also tag my friend and fellow YouTuber Megan from A Geeky Gal. I am so looking forward to your answers Megan. You can make it on YouTube or your blog. Don’t feel obliged I just thought of you when I made it!

Here are the questions and I tag any of my darling followers who want to answer them. Make your own blog post, video or podcast episode. Whichever you like. Or even answer the questions down in the comments below.

Hope you’re all enjoying Spooktober!

The Questions

1. What is your favourite Halloween Movie?

2. How much do you enjoy Halloween on a scale of 1-10?

3. What is your fondest Halloween memory?

4. Have you always been a Halloween lover?

5. How do you get into the Halloween spirit?

6. What are your favourite Halloween decorations?

7. What are your favourite Halloween / fall scents? 8. Vampires or Zombies?

9. What is your weird/odd fear? 10. What are you going as this Halloween?

11. Do you believe in ghosts?

The Video

Copyright © 2019 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved

The Barlow Clan – Chapter 1

*All characters and places in this piece are fictional and do not reflect anyone alive or dead. Flathead National Park is a real place, but as far as the author is aware, it is not haunted. This story may have content that some readers find offensive or disturbing, so discretion is advised, especially to those under the age of 13.*

I

The rustling leaves of autumn drew Callie outside, filling her distracted mind with the sounds of nature. She sat on the ground and watched them gently dance in the breeze. She heard Ranger Stevens before she saw him. He had a distinctive way of walking. “Hi darlin’ you talking to the trees again?” Callie blushed as she quickly rose to her feet to face him. She was hyper-aware of her hand-me-downs clothes and ancient fleece that had either belonged to Hep’s or the twins. No one knew anymore. “Hi, Ranger Stevens, I was just taking a break. Can I help you with anything today?

Callie I’ve told you it’s ok to call me Mike, I’m not a police officer or anything.” His face lit up as he grinned and Callie swayed a little on her feet. Her homeschooling had limited her interactions with real boys.  She didn’t consider her brothers to be real boys) and Mike happened to be a particularly handsome one, but it didn’t matter, Callie Barlow would have been awkward with any boy. The only boys she really knew were her brothers, Hep, Are and App. “Sorry, Mike, how can I help you today?

Well I’m looking for your father actually, is he around?” He took off his hat in anticipation of speaking to Lucas Barlow. Callie was certainly among the softer of the Barlow family siblings. Her eldest brother was exceptionally rough and ready despite all the classical training their mother Joanne had given them. He was very much a carbon copy of his father Lucas. Who was known as crass, angry and loud.  Yet Lucas Barlow was well regarded in the town of Mirth and the Barlow family had lived in Flathead National Forest for generations. “Daddy will be back soon he was doing his morning rounds of the land. Would you like to wait and have some coffee?” Her voice cracked nervously as she asked this, but she was relieved when Mike nodded almost furiously.

That’s great if any of your brothers are around I might speak to them too?” Callie’s heart sank. If it was a palaver with her brother’s Mike wanted, she wouldn’t get a word in. Mike seemed to notice this, and said kindly, “of course you know these woods just as well as them, so you will certainly have some useful input to give Callie.” Callie blushed again at this. Not just because he was so kind, but because he had noticed her disappointment. Nobody took much notice of Callie when her brothers were around. She nodded and beckoned him inside.

Halloween Horror Stories. The Barlow Clan.
Halloween Horror Stories. The Barlow Clan.

It was early morning and the sun had only just risen in the East, but the Barlows had been up since before dawn. It was the family way even before Callie was born, and she knew no different. They would begin their studies at 9am. Well, she would, Hep and the twins had already taken their SATs. Beforehand the chores would need to be done. Chores from which Callie had been skiving off from. “Callie, are you finished checking on the deer jerky?” Her mother Joanne had an ability to appear from thin air. Both Callie and Mike jumped. They had thought themselves alone in the quiet kitchen. “Yes ma’am, mother. I invited Ranger Stevens in for coffee while he waited for Father.” Joanne folded her arms and took in Mike silently. A silence descended and as expected, Mike nervously filled the gap.

I’m sure you could help too Ma’am, Mrs Barlow, it’s about another missing tourist. Two actually. They went into the forest last night. It was meant to be an overnight camping trip, but when they didn’t call their girlfriends this morning at the crack of dawn as promised, well the girlfriends got frantic and called the police. You know the reputation these woods have so the coppers asked Chief Ranger Makowski if he’d look into it. I thought that since Mr Barlow, and your family have had such luck with turning up missing people in the past, knowing the woods so well…” Joanne finally smiled and Mike trailed off. “No problem Mike, I’m sure Lucas would be delighted to help once he returns from his rounds. In the meantime let me get you some breakfast.

Oh you’re very kind but if you could just let Mr Barlow know we will be mounting a search party down at the ranger cabin that I would be very grateful.” Callie’s heart sank. Mike would have happily stayed for a chat if her mother hadn’t appeared. Callie had been so sure her mother was out back feeding the chickens, but Joanne Barlow had a way of knowing when to appear uninvited. She didn’t like Callie talking to outsiders, especially not men, despite what was thought of the family in town. “Are you sure Ranger Stevens? I was about to start breakfast, the boys always come back from their rounds, ravenous.” Her eyes glinted in the early morning light, and Callie could see Mike audibly shiver.

Much obliged Ma’am, but I best be on my way, thank you now.” He dipped his head and slipped back out into the yard. Callie watched him as hopped onto his bike and quickly disappeared down the path from the Barlow homestead. “So, you think he’s cute do you Calliope?” Callie froze, she could feel her mother’s eyes on her. As if feeling into her mind somehow. “Sure, in an awkward kind of way.” She tried to laugh it off, making her tone light, but her mother always knew. “Stay away from men like that Callie, I’ve told you before. They want what’s between your legs and nothing more.” Joanne began making breakfast, and Callie simply fell into the morning ritual once more.

II

Listen this is official Park Ranger business, you know I can’t tell you that information. Besides, they aren’t technically missing persons yet, they’ve only been incommunicado for 3 hours or so. Really, any information we have from their girlfriends and the state coppers is private.” Chief Ranger Makowski was an imposing specimen. Standing at 6 foot 4 and about as broad, it was difficult for most people to argue with him. Of course, Jacob had known Ingrid Hanson since she was a small girl, and her tenacious nature had always endeared her to him. Although he admired her spirit, he was protective of the Ranger service which he had served for decades. It had increasingly come under fire for their inability to locate the mounting missing persons list. He would enforce the rules and regulations, in public at least.

Ingrid, as soon as I get the go-ahead, you know I’ll call you, but right now it’s a private matter.” He smiled a rare smile and Ingrid rolled her eyes. “Alright curmudgeon, but I’ll be back.” Makowski huffed. “No need to throw your fancy college words at me, young lady.” He was still smiling in spite of himself though, as she flounced off.

landscape-2268775_1280
Halloween Horror Stories. The Barlow Clan.

Ingrid was thinking about how good a large coffee would feel to ward off her sleepiness and the cold of a Montana morning when she bounced off Chief Stevens. She landed on her ass and looked wearily up at into his face. There she observed in him the same equally dazed state. She simply groaned. “I’m not caffeinated enough to process this yet.”

Oh Ingrid I’m so sorry are you ok?” He tried to help her up but she shooed him away. “I’m fine Mike, no worries, it was my own fault. It’s an early start and I skipped my morning coffee to get here. Chief Makowski won’t talk to me yet though, so I needed have bothered.” Her keen eyes studied the slumped posture of a man who usually stood proud in his newly earned Ranger uniform. “You ok Mike? You look like you could use a pick me up yourself.” Mike nodded gently. “I was just up at the Barlow homestead…” Ingrid normally wouldn’t have to ask for details, she knew the Barlows as well as anyone else from Mirth. However, her inquisitive nature was the story and she decided this might as well be included. “Let’s grab a coffee and have a chat, Mike.

III

So that’s all she said? That they would be ravenous?” Asked Ingrid doubtfully. Mike looked wounded. “I know but it’s the way she said it, and her eyes…” Ingrid nodded in understanding. Although it didn’t seem like much, Ingrid knew the look Mike was talking about. She had known Mike for most of his life too, she’d palled around with his older sister Mary in school, and he wasn’t a liar. No, there was definitely something weird about Joanne Barlow and it wasn’t her choice of words exactly. It was the emphasis she put on certain things that gave kids the creeps. Her sons were similarly weird if not more rambunctious. Yet Lucas was a typical Montana man. Quiet, hard-working and private. Well respected. The match between them had always struck people as odd.

Some had even gone so far to say that Joanne had used witchcraft, learned from her native ancestors, to trap Lucas. Ingrid always thought that was bullshit. Plus she’d always been uncomfortable with how old-seed Montanans had used ‘witchcraft’ as to describe a woman behaviour when they acted in a way they didn’t like. Ingrid had often thought if a man acted the way Joanne did they would just be labelled as unusual or strange. Joanne Stone had gone to university, which had been unheard of in her day. She’d studied the ‘classics’ whatever that passed for these days, and she’d insisted from day one that her children would be educated at home with her. It had worked so far. Though the boys had only gone to the local college for the environment or natural science, word on the street was their SATs scores where something to be very proud of.

              Joanne had named her children after the Greek gods. Hephaestus was her eldest, Ares and Apollo were her twins and her youngest and only daughter was Calliope. This was the one and only thing that Lucas had pushed back on. He’d wanted to give his children family names. So the compromise was that their middle names were Greek, and first were good old fashioned Montana names. Yet they’d never gone by their first names. Heck Ingrid couldn’t even remember what they were. There was a good chance they were John, Joseph and Thomas, but she couldn’t be sure. She would need to look that up…

She snapped back to her conversation with Mike. Why would she need to look the names up? The Barlow family weren’t the story. The missing men were the story, and the rest of the missing in their droves. Flathead Park had a 78% higher missing persons rate than the national average. She’d found that out from intensive Google searches. “It really seems like Callie is the only ‘normal’ Barlow and I say ‘normal’ very lightly. She was listening to the trees when I arrived at the house this morning.” Ingrid tilted her head and frowned. “What do you mean listening to the trees?

Stevens, get your ass in gear, we’re heading out in 10!” Came Chief Makowski’s bellowing voice. Mike promptly jumped to his feet. “Sorry Ingrid gotta go, I’ll chat with you later, send me a text.” Ingrid nodded languidly as Mike hopped off to his newfound duty as Park Ranger. “You’re a long cry from playing dungeons and dragons with your friends Mike Stevens.” She sighed as she gathered her things. Now to sneak into the Rangers cabin to listen to the meeting.

IV

Ingrid was met with an eye-roll from Makowski, but he didn’t ask her to leave. Truth be told, he was starting to worry about the increased disappearances and incessant attention it was getting from young people. They were doing over-night challenges in the supposedly haunted forest which they filmed and subsequently uploaded to their social media. We spent the night in a haunted forest and you’re not going to believe what happened. They were putting themselves in danger, and it was up to the Rangers to get them out of it. Maybe if someone like Ingrid covered the story it would prove a cautionary tale for future inexperienced campers.

Halloween Story, The Barlow Clan
Halloween Story, The Barlow Clan

It was customary for the Park Rangers to fall silent when Lucas Barlow entered the cabin. His presence was suffocating. Unlike Chief Makowski, Barlow was not a particularly tall man. It was his energy that naturally pulsated and disarmed you. His blue eyes could freeze, and although he was not considered to be a warm person, he helped each and every person that found themselves lost in the woods.

What’s the 411 Makowski?” Barlow croaked as he lowered himself onto the bench, his sons looming behind him. “Simply put, two college kids approximately 21 years of age, go camping last night in the woods. They promised their terrified girlfriends that they would call in at 5.30am no later, on account of the ‘reputation’ our forest seems to be getting.” Barlow’s eyes narrowed at that. “When they didn’t check-in, they call the police, they called me, I called in the staff.” Makowski moved his arm to display the fine team of men and women assembled. He looked at Ingrid closely when he said the next part.

The girlfriends also sent us a video that the boys sent to them around 3.30am this morning, before daybreak. It’s not very clear, but it appears as though the boys are being attacked. We cannot verify this for sure, or even if it is real, however, we will proceed with caution. If it was a lion attack we will need to be vigilant. I will now show you the video.” Chief Makoswi cast the video onto the large wall projector. Stevens turned off the light so they could get a better view, but the morning sunlight was started to make that difficult.

The video started with content which is common on YouTube or other social media these days. The boys joking around, filming each other. Setting up a poor camp. Chief Makowski skipped along until they got to the pertinent part. Boy number one spoke up in the darkness. “What the fuck was that Aiden?” He panned the camera around in the swift jerky motions. “Did you hear that, what the fuck was it?” Boy number two answered. “I don’t fucking know I’ve never heard an animal make a noise like that before.”

Shuffling noises, like leaves and tent canvas. Silence, all but for the heavy breathing of the boys. Then an inhuman screeching noise, which started out low then built in a horrific crescendo. Even hardened Rangers seemed disquieted by the sound, as they shook their heads, shifted in their seats and even covered their ears. When the screeching came to a halt,  the maddened sound of a predator racing towards the boys and their own version of screeching began. Then nothing.

Now the girlfriends say they received no message with this video as if it was set to automatically send to them. Like I said, we don’t know if this is a hoax or not so I would advise caution. We all know wild animals can make a variety of noises…”

I’ve never heard one that sounded like the damned goat guardians of hell before though!” Called out one of the senior rangers and laughter erupted. When Makowski and Barlow didn’t join them it quickly died down. “Like I was saying. This could all be a joke, but it’s our duty to check it out regardless. However, we do not put ourselves at unnecessary risk so be on the lookout for lions or even bears. Now we will break into the usual parties of 4. Someone is designated as the leader…”

Not that anyone would have noticed, but Makowski and Barlow weren’t the only ones not to laugh at the Ranger’s poorly timed joke. Ingrid’s eyes had glazed over as she began recalling her interviews with those who had been recovered from the forest after being missing for days. She remembered how they had described the exact sound she had just heard from the missing boys’ video.

 

*Chapter II will be available next Friday the 11th of October, until then click here for some more stories to keep you going*

 

Copyright © 2019 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved

HALLOWEEN!!!

Preamble

First of all, I have 750 followers!?!? How did this happen? I’m the luckiest Moon in the whole universe! Thank you so much to each and every one of you, and cheers to our journey together. 🙂

Halloween!
Halloween!

Ok yes, Moonlings, I know Halloween is still a few weeks away. However, I treat this whole MONTH as Halloween. Although I’ve only been posting on a Friday for the last few months, October is special. I have an extravaganza of epic proportions prepared for you lovely folks! So strap yourselves in, turn off the lights, and get your spooky gland ready!

Programme

This month we have spooky poems, both blogged and on Youtube. We have a long story starting this Friday and culminating on Friday the 25th. I will talk about the anthropology of fear, my favourite horror books, movies and games. Finally, of course, the month will feature my hero Buffy Summers.

Halloween Extravaganza
Halloween Extravaganza

Last year I made YouTube videos (like the one below!), wrote spooky stories, horrifying poems, talked about spirituality, and 10 times the show Buffy  The Vampire Slayer actually scared me.

I’ve included all my social media, especially my Instagram where I will announce all my endeavours for this, the most chilling month of the year. Are you excited? I know I am, talk to me below in the comments!

Follow Me… or else…

giphy

Facebook: @Thinking.Moon

Instagram: @thinking_moon_blog

YouTube: Thinking Moon

Soundcloud: Jaycee (Thinking Moon)

 

Copyright © 2019 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved

5 Outfits for the Ethically Responsible Fashionista!

*This post is not sponsored by any of the brands mentioned, however, Lucy & Yak I am available!*

Preamble

Hello Moonlings, I’ve been busy so I wanted a nice easy post for today.  Basically, I just took pictures of my outfits for the week with elements that are thrifted or bought sustainably. Megan from A Geeky Gal is also a fellow thrifting Queen so she’ll totally get what’s happening here. You should be following her by the way!

Some of the items I have were originally bought from fast-fashion chains. I’ve stopped buying fast-fashion since March of this year, but I didn’t throw away the clothes I have already. Mostly because I love the items and I’ve had them for years. So you will see some fast-fashion clothes but be aware I don’t buy them anymore.

So without further aplomb here are 5 outfits that have thrifted or sustainable elements.

(I) Brother Jeans – “The Stephen King.”

I call this outfit (and iterations of it) “The Stephen King.” He always wears the same kind of jeans and an old t-shirt. Usually, one referring to a baseball team or Bangor, Maine. See an example below. Or pop over to his Twitter. He’s quite funny.

Stephen King
Stephen King

So basically I have an old pair of jeans that my brother grew out of, a second hand Deadpool t-shirt and a second-hand cardigan. I wear this outfit normally when I’m writing or working from home. Comfortable is the vibes for this outfit, and the jeans are well worn in which makes them even comfier.

Also Lucy & Yak are featured here. The headband I’m wearing is made from the secondhand sari their clothes are delivered in. Shout out to Nicole for making it!

I’ve also been known to wear them with my ancient Doc Martens.

Doc Martens
Doc Martens

 (II)  Lucy & Yaks

These were my first Lucy & Yaks and I adore them. I wear them waaaaaayyyyyy too much and they are comfort level 100! (Fire emoji, yes I know I could put in a fire emoji but I’m trying to be funny). They are their ‘Alexa’ Organic-Cotton High waisted trousers in blue.

I wear them to work, (where I had a photoshoot really early before anyone else got in). They are paired with faux red leather boots I bought 8 years ago, a jumper that’s 5 years old and both of these items I bought from Penneys. Finally a second-hand t-shirt underneath.

I wear them for work (as above), and for play (so below), and I couldn’t recommend them more.

(III) Jumper Time

So this is the part of the blog where I get all preachy! Nah I’m just kidding. Basically wanting to be sustainable is wonderful, but it can be really difficult and sometimes prohibitive money wise. If you don’t purchase every piece of clothing second hand or sustainably you’re not a bad person!

I have loads of clothes that were bought before I became sustainable and I wasn’t about to throw them out! For example, this skirt in this picture was a gift from my brother which he bought in TK Maxx for my 22nd birthday (TJ Maxx in America). Yes, it was technically fast-fashion, however, I have it for 7 years.

I’ve also paired it with a Harry Potter T-shirt (not pictured) that I bought before I became sustainable. However, my jumper is 100% wool which was grown and produced in Ireland.

(IV) Office Lucy & Yaks

Back in Lucy & Yak with their ‘Alexa’ Organic-Cotton High waisted trousers in red check. I don’t think they have these ones in stock anymore but they have loads of different colours to choose from. Again I wear them when I’m going to work because they are perfect office wear.

They are paired with a 100% wool jumper, grown and produced in Ireland. A long sleeve t-shirt and my ancient red Converse.

(V) Dungaree fun!

When I heard that Lucy & Yak had dungarees I was totally there for them. I got these in their sale, I normally wouldn’t buy ‘cappuccino’ coloured clothes but these are so cuuuuuute. I wear them all the time, they are super comfy, with amazing pockets and they look great with colourful t-shirts like my second-hand Eagles shirt.

Finally here is a picture of me taken by my gorgeous sister-in-law on my birthday when she brought me to meet a bunch of birds. Look how freaking happy I am here.

Best Birthday Ever!
Best Birthday Ever!

Copyright © 2019 Thinkingmoon.com – All rights reserved

 

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https://ageekygal.com/

https://thinkingmoon.com/2019/06/07/sustainability-half-year-update-2/

https://nicoleqmullen.wordpress.com/

I kept a gratitude journal for 6 months & this is what happened…

Preamble

Hark is this the sound of clickbait? No, it’s just how titles work in 2019…

This January, I had surgery and I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I knew at the time that it would be a challenge for me to recover emotionally. (I can be very pessimistic). So in order to survive, I promised to write down 3 things I was grateful for every day to remind myself of my privilege.

Of course, I wrote down the obvious ones, My parents. My brother. My Boo. My best friend. I put down being able to afford health care and small luxuries. Having food, water, shelter and love. Music, art, and books. My hearing, my sight and my breath.

Grateful
Grateful – For my squishes!

What I’ve included here are the less obvious ones, the more obscure. The gratitudes that made me realise how fortunate I am, that in the history of the universe I live at the same time as the people and items on this list.  Or that I exist at all. I’ve come a long way since teenage me wanted to stop existing entirely.

Gratitudes

  •  The Jenna & Julien podcast.
  • Discovering the Zero Waste lifestyle.
  • My PhD Scholarship.
  • Audible.
  • The What Cast.
  • My pink heat pack.
  • Being a Ravenclaw.
  • Harmony Nice.
  • Buffy Summers.
  • Birds singing outside my window in the morning.
  • Forgiveness.
  • Cool drinking water.
  • Madeleine Olivia.
  • Baby Green Squish.
  • Red wine.
  • Van Gogh.
  • Lagunitas Beer.
  • My tattoos.
  • Being able to read.
  • Dank Memes.
  • Jeffree Star Cosmetics liquid lipsticks.
  • Mr Marbles (Jenna’s dog).
  • Sunny Hostin on the view.
  • Kermit the frog memes.
  • The picture of mam when she was young I keep on my desk.
  • Lemons in sparkling water.
  • The What Cast guys and their sense of humour.
  • My lucky blue dress.
  • Session IPA.
  • The Empire Strikes Back.
  • Creativity.
  • Ellen my succulent.
  • My writer friends on Twitter.
  • D’Vine’s Tempranillo.
  • Dried fried noodles.
  • The big tree at Whitehall.
  • Pickles on Pizza. (Cheers Nicole!).
  • My Neat Dude beanie in golden.
  • Boiled eggs.
  • My GHDs.
  • Alex the Honking Bird.
  • My brother’s ability to find god awful films to watch. i.e The Room.
  • The Debbie Machine.
  • Black matt lipstick.
  • Tibetian bowl music.
  • Dr Phil’s analysis podcast.
  • Having self-reflection and recognising bad habits.
  • Oprah’s book, “The Path Made Clear.
  • Getting to meet my mentor before he died.
  • Getting to vote.
  • My new supervisor Tara.
  • Napping!
  • Dr Bob Brier, Egyptologist and all-round nerd King.
  • Tattoo Heroes Dublin.
  • Lord Snugglebutt.
  • Reading in the orange armchair.
  • Lucy & Yak dungarees.
  • Having leftovers to eat.
  • Dido’s album, “Still On My Mind.
  • Nicole’s sense of humour.
  • Bananas.
  • My What Cast T-Shirt.
  • Uniball pens.
  • Playing board games.
  • Knowing my worth.
  • Dying my hair with Mama.
  • Knowledge, wisdom and silence.

Results

Honestly? Wonderful. You do not realise how much you take for granted until you start keeping count. Rather than feeling dismay at getting up at 5.30 (I’m not a morning person), I now think the following. Wow, I am employed in my dream job, something I wouldn’t have thought possible even 5 years ago.

When I’m feeling tired and grumpy, I think about how fortunate I am that when I do get to bed, it will be warm and comfortable.

Finally? While a lot on this list are things, they are simple; but genuinely? “The best things in life, aren’t things.” – Anthony J. D’Angelo

Grateful
Grateful – The memory of the Foo Fighter’s concert with Le’Boo

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A letter to my mentor who passed away…

The Letter

Dear Amr,

It has been many busy days since I found out that you’re gone. I tried to write this letter when I first heard, but my heart hurt too much.

We are told when we meet certain people, to hold onto them for dear life. Yet what do we do when they are taken from us?

We go on without them, our worlds a little darker, but our lives enriched. When a light goes off in this world, it turns on in another.

It has been nearly three years since we met, and my progress under your guidance is palpable to everyone who knows me.

Although to most you may have appeared to ‘just’ be our supervisor, you were so much more to us.

Before I met you I never truly understood what a mentor was. Although I had been offered help or guidance in the past, no one matched the heights of your kindness. Having taken me under your wing, I grew beyond what I ever believed I could. You saw through ego, to the potential beneath, and there is no greater gift you could have given me.

Mentor, friend, you were our Father, a giant. Your intelligence stunned us all, and although you believed in me, I partly felt like there had been some mistake. I was an imposter in your shadow of brilliance.

My grief at your loss is thick and confounding.

Thank you for your grace, your patience and the memory of your smile. The ripples you cast into the universe will never cease, and your kindness lives on in us who are still here.

Your faithful but heartbroken friend,

Jenni.

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Mental Health: Embarrassed – Part VI

Preamble

The podcast stops playing on my phone as it begins to ring. I see the name of a friend flash up. I’ve taken many calls in the past week, but I don’t have anything left. I look down at my messy clothes, I feel my unbrushed hair and teeth, and my general sense of disarray.

My hand is hovering over the phone on the counter, and eventually, it stops ringing. I feel two things mainly. Firstly, I feel sadness. Sadness because I don’t have the energy to talk to my friend on the phone. Secondly? Utter embarrassment.

Let’s Talk

Does your mental illness ever make you feel embarrassed? When you are at your lowest, the simplest things are impossible, and it’s hard not to be distraught.

When I’m depressed I can barely get out of bed, nevermind shower. So if a friend turns up randomly at my home, I’m probably not clean. This makes me feel ashamed for my state of being. Although it cannot be helped, it still hurts.

Also, I can’t sleep at night, so I usually sleep between 7am and 10am. I can hear you say, “you need to adopt a more healthy sleep pattern,” and I agree. It doesn’t mean I’m not trying, it just means it’s not working.

Mostly for me though, the hardest part of the depression, is the brain fog. The dissociation. I can’t string sentences together. I find driving difficult. It amps up my anxiety which feeds my depression. If I could get off the hamster wheel I would, but all I can do it wait for it to slow down.

Mental Health
Mental Health

I was able to do some washing today. This is a big win for me. Sometimes I’m fine. I’m ok, I can work, and read, and wash and learn, and not be hard on myself.

Sometimes though, I need to rest.

Solution

There are many vasts posts about mental health and no one solution.

The one that works for me, that makes me feel less embarrassed is I don’t take myself too seriously. Life is a wonder, and it’s amazing to be alive, but it doesn’t make it any less strange. I’m still a valid person, and my inactivity does not define my worth.

Previous mental health post here.

Also the website The Mighty is a great place to find solidarity in people who are feeling the same as you.

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